Silver Age Shenanigans!!!

The Amazing Story Of Superman Red And Blue

Astounding First Post!

Friends, colleagues, arch enemies, today I am here to educate you on the comic book industry during the period spanning the early 50's to late 70's. Specifically I'm educating you on the fact that back then everyone involved was paid in controlled substances.  To conclusively prove this I present Superman, issue one hundred and sixty two... an imaginary story. 

Would Blue sleeping with Lois count as adultery? 

I know what you're thinking "Imaginary story? Zolnier, aren't they all?" first of all congratulate yourself for choosing to paraphrase Alan Moore. Secondly back then while every story's cover would try and make you think Superman was a murderer/wife beater/corpse/robot/Batman, they obviously couldn't do it. But every once in a while they'd get tired of trying to work a way around not doing stuff that'd end the series and so just do it. These non canon tales were called imaginary stories. Maybe I shoulder showed you something more normal though what the hell is normal here?

Now on to the actual cover. First of all how isn't Lois not a bloody smear on the ground? Krypton's gravity's so strong it's inhabitants need what elsewhere qualify as planet flinging muscles! And that red giant must make for a hell of vitamin d deficiency. Maybe she acclimated during her pope-mobile time travel trips to wreck Jor-El's marriage and molest baby Clark. Both of those actually happened.

Do like that even after retiring from super heroism and lacking all super-powers, Red is still wearing the outfit. But not as much as the fact that Lana, after marrying, doing and birthing the kids of a man she isn't using his real name(s). 

Oh and those Kryptonian kids must be teased so freaking much by the Earth ones. Must suck going to school with them, the grade curve in PE would be incredible.

"If we don't forecast the comic several wimpy children will surely go into cardiac arrest!

   It's truly amazing that a publication that's bread and butter was deceiving and misleading it's readers every week could hate suspense so intensely. I can only think of one plot point not revealed in this front page and that was revealed on the cover!  It's like that European edition of 1984 where the back just says "He Loved Big Brother", actually that book's ending is disturbingly relevant to this story. We'll get to that.  

I think we've caught him the day Crash Test Dummies recorded a certain something.

So our imaginary day opens with Clark losing out on a salary of... twenty five dollars a week! Old timey money's weird. I can't really feel sorry for a man who can't do get decent stories despite:

1. Not sleeping

2.Being faster than light

3.Being able to see through walls and hear everything happening ever. 

And so yeah the city of Kandor calls for Superman, just when he was about to call Five For Fighting to tell them his idea for a single. And their urgent need for an audience is so they can bitch at him. Yeah the Kandorians have lured Superman into an anti pep talk. These are people the size of microbes calling the bloke who keeps the air hose clear shit. Supes, if you just made a kink you could shut them up good...

 This rainbow shall make my brain fabulous!

Instead of doing the sane thing and poring some booze onto those bottled ingrates, Superman responds with thought bubble crying. And why shouldn't he, he's barely made any headway solving every solitary problem ever. He even agrees to Kandor's bat shit insane plan of replacing him. Keep in mind his replacement would be less than an inch tall. And he can't enlarge them, despite shrinking and enlarging himself and others every other week. I suspect this is because everyone in Kandor is too stupid to form an orderly line. 

He's so distraught by their anti-pep talk I'm tempted to think that he has no faith the contraption will work and just figures it's faster than suicide by green k. 

Before we move on notice no one suggest Supergirl succeed Superman. 

Usually when I see this it means I need to stop playing the Jimmy Olsen drinking game

First of all, I think those symbols spinning around their heads means they're dazed from a bonk on the head. This shall explain much. Like how they can do equations on their brain power with nothing to go of. Also if I were to guess the overload was because the blue kryptonite conflicted with the blue hair. 

And Blue, when your literal first words are an attempt to convince us "I'm totally not evil guys" and right afterwards you're making that face I start suspecting things. 

Wouldn't it be great if they accidentally threw the city? Assuming Blue didn't on purpose.

When reading old comics you will probably notice that strange may be said more than "the". Clark probably described his pubic hair as strange, or possibly astounding. And I'll save all the non science for next pages.  Except where in the world is the "meteor belt" 

The Kandorians had all frozen or boiled to death in the wastes of space. And there was much rejoicing

Okay I'll be nice and not point out that it would take like millions of years for all those pieces of Krypton to reach that point in space, well I was going to be nice any way.  Am wondering where the water and air came from. Also why the hell didn't the glass enlarge, was thousands of super powered beings destroying their glass prison not stupid enough for the creators? And if the way passes through glass does this mean the city has a lot of empty window frames with tiny piles of glass below them? Probably should be concerned about the orbits of the other planets this one has messed up but whatever. I know that I should take into consideration the time this was made, the format and genre when we're talking about science but then why would I do this? If I respected it so much.

Yeah Superman, we know we're compressing the mountains, we are fucking doing it in front of you!

Hey Kandor, there was nothing stopping you having powers on Earth! Also what do you mean barren?? I saw grass last page, also New Krypton, real creative! 

The Superman Emergency Squad sound like his suicide watch or something. 

Anyone confused as to why our Council Chamber has the Earth in the centre?

 If the plants grow at super speed, why don't the animals? I would imagine New Krypton to be an orgy of constant death and birth as invulnerable, fast growing plants fight and breed. And why can't you guys have a normal life, doesn't it sound like Red is dictating terms? If everyone is super no one is! And don't tell me they'd accidentally break their shit, in the Silver Age all matter from Krypton was at least invulnerable under yellow suns. If you acquired a condom from there you'd be set for life. 

I do hope that planet doesn't stick around, the constant tidal waves, collisions and invasions by Kandorian frat boys are so annoying. 

You've forgotten to tell me how everything gets resolved!

  Superman Red sounds so aghast at the idea of them losing their powers right after saying they basically had to. Also those guys are such dicks "Oh we knew you'd make the wise decision, so we made it for you!"  what were they going to do if they said they like super powers and lovely yellow suns? Oh well, bye Kandor, enjoy millions of years of cold between suns! 

And don't get me started on how they use the word constellation, moving on!

I bet Superman(s) like "I almost married that woman" and Supergirl just sits up that night wondering...

That first panel is the closest thing in the comic to suspense and literally one panel after it's destroyed. Actually kind of a funny lampshade on the usual fake out. Also how did you cure green kryptonite poisoning? You can't be sure that some isn't still out there. Lazy buggers. But any way no time, a vacant eyed disembodied face has broken in. This is Lori Lemaris, A mermaid from Atlantis Superman almost screwed in uni. Do you see why I do this? What I love is she seems the none least interested or surprised there are two Supermen. 

The Atlanteans are upset because humans think they're weird and that's such a big problem they need a new planet. Even though the average mermaid probably talks to humans roughly never. If they had said humans were messing with their environ that would be understandable but that would be hippie talk. 

Mental telepathy may be the most redundant thing ever. What's physical telepathy, bashing someone over the head and looking very closely?

Time to melt our dead family's statue!

I get that you've recreated Krypton guys but you do remember that the people who died when it exploded aren't back as well right? You know considering the not there grass earlier I would not be surprised if the writers forgot. Bit surprised there's any crime any where if these guys can hit targets with their heat vision from trillions of miles away with any accuracy. 

Oh yeah the dog, sad thing is Krypto ranks higher than Supergirl. 

  

Glad you remembered to pack the sacred giant lego!

It's a shame Superman Red and Blue forget that's where they stored their priceless family heirlooms. Also sometimes I marvel at the thought process of these people. When asked "How would you take mermaids to another planet" I imagine most of us would say flooded space ship or something like that. When you ask the author of this he throws his bottle of LSD laced rum at you and makes scrawls "giant space water slide". 

Putting aside the speed and time issues, because I think we already covered that with the assembly of New Krypton. Needless to say those mermaids should just be hoping their distant descendent can make it. Are Earth and Defaced Memorial Planet staying absolutely still, it must because the tunnel isn't shaking apart. And how many meteors did you use for this guys? I also think those mermen are straying way to close to the edge. 

Lori seems to have a good estimate on her people's record keeping skills though. 

 Concluded In Next Post!

Movie Review #1

Oz: The Great And Powerful

So a few days ago during a school trip I saw two films, Cloud Atlas and Oz: The Great And Powerful, in that order. That probably didn't do the latter any favours. 

This is a movie that deeply annoys me. First of all it's part of what I fear is an accelerating trend, the "let's take classic fantasy and make it bloated and stupid' genre. I bet Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland just popped into half your heads. Remember, that film that turned a classic surrealist story into a big action, chosen girl-blah stupid. Perhaps Oz is better a choice for this treatment since the original already was a quest narrative and therefore needs less jury rigging. But that just means less thought and energy needs to be put behind it's story. 

So let's see we start with... Oz being an arsehole. No I am not surprised by this in the least since well the guy was a shadowy dictator who probably overthrew the king. But Disney doesn't want to offend the parents of the children who were only allowed to watch their movies and Bible-man. So while Oz is presented as a anti hero he is a depressingly toothless one. Now I know it's a family film but even pure children's entertainment can have characters with moral greyness. Case in point, we are introduced to Oz' "dark side"  in two ways, first he's a horrible flirt. Okay that's something I guess but the second way is truly stupid. Oz is a magician who operates under the pretence of being a real magic user... just like all magicians. 

Yes we are meant to feel like Oz is " lying to the people"  (apparently this is okay when it's a whole country but not a tent full of rednecks) by pretending to be a wizard. Yes there's a scene where a crippled kid wants him to heal her and it's sad but surely that's the fault of the parents for not telling her it's pretend.

So in order to make Oz seem like a dick everyone in Oz is so painfully nice and clean that they probably feint at the slightest hint of Afternoon Delight being played. Okay everyone loses conciousness when they hear that but for different reasons. 


The film is too tepid too warrent much more. If you're looking for a good Oz spin off go watch Return to Oz.

Kid's Book Review 1#

This Time Of Darkness, by H.M Hoover

I'll always start my book reviews with the covers. Mostly because covers, especially older ones, don't always give you a good idea of the plot. Try telling your fellow public transport users that you're reading a book about the implications of alien contact and not one about four breasted unicorn women. But today's subject isn't too bad. It does convey the book's premise of "two kids from a futuristic or at least technological world emerge into a natural one" well enough. But I do notice the tunnel they're coming from doesn't appear to be connected to anything; which is odd since in the story it's actually joined to a big flippin' dome. And it was falling apart and covered in shrubbery. Also can anyone tell me what that rainbow streak is? Looks like the Enterprise has just hit warp. I do find it kind of funny they remembered the detail of Axel's (the boy on the left) 80's curly hair! Overall the cover does give me a eerie feeling, mainly because of the background. 

Warning, spoilers.

Now actual book time. The plot opens in the future after a vaguely defined environmental collapse, in a underground habitat... namely a shitty one. We are introduced to Amy no last name, a eleven year old who  was illegally taught to read (the City discourages the ability as it isn't needed for the mindless drudgery that constitutes its inhabitants working lives) by a former house mate, Janet. Who like all nice old people in dystopian fiction dropped dead one day in somewhat suspicious circumstances several years before. This trait has already pretty much barred her from employment forever so she spends her school days fighting of boredom with daydreams about the "Outside". Through her we meet our other protagonist  Axel, a half mad orphan who spends most of his time trying to to shut the world out. He confides in Amy that he is in fact from the "Outside" and the two embark on a journey to escape the City and reach Axel's home. 

This is a book I would have adored when I was eleven or so, and despite being nearly seven years out of it's target audience it was to me a very good "knock of in a day" kind of read. It's a book that despite it's age group doesn't pull punches in it's quest to portray a really crappy place to live. The City is described quite vividly and disturbingly and Hoover goes into exquisitely grim detail (despite somewhat simple prose). The daily dangers a child growing up there, like the possibility of being a vent for a passers-by's pent up aggression, or being attacked by the neglected homeless population because they saw you carrying some food, and even molestation are talked about quite bluntly. Yet it manages not to become inappropriate for a reasonably strong stomached middle schooler.  The characters are very well done, Amy and Axel playing quite well of each over, and naturally swapping the follower/leader roles as they move in and out of each over's natural environments. 

One flaw of the book is a lack of a central threat for the majority of the story. Yes A&A are pursued by the authorities but they never really get close enough to generate dread or suspense. The one time they are caught they end up giving the two what they want, ejection from the City. In fact while the kids' trek through the city is filled with great bits they don't face much obstacle other than what it provides day to day and their own exhaustion. I think an extra forty pages (the book is a hundred and sixty FYI) for the City section of the novel would have helped. This flaw is remedied very well in the "Outside" section. 

The ending is deliriously happy but the characters go through enough before that it sits fine with me. 

As a final note I find it interesting that the characters don't end the dystopian system, despite their happy ending. Usually in modern dystopia the characters are either taken down or take down the oppressive element.  Amy and Axel for the time being are content just to have escaped, which is good enough.

If recommend this book for anyone who has a relative between ten and fourteen and you trust reading about some nasty subjects. And any adult who needs an enjoyable dark romp to last a flight or something.

Hello And Welcome

This is just a short little introductory post. This blog is a venue where I'll post my ongoing fiction projects (primarily science fiction and fantasy), as well as reviews of the usual stuff, books, movies etcetera. Today I'll start with a look over of a YA sci-fi novel from 1980, This Time Of Darkness. Later on the first part of a retro science fiction deconstruction Enlil: Skies Of Mars.