Silver Age Shenanigans!!!

The Amazing Story Of Superman Red And Blue

Astounding First Post!

Friends, colleagues, arch enemies, today I am here to educate you on the comic book industry during the period spanning the early 50's to late 70's. Specifically I'm educating you on the fact that back then everyone involved was paid in controlled substances.  To conclusively prove this I present Superman, issue one hundred and sixty two... an imaginary story. 

Would Blue sleeping with Lois count as adultery? 

I know what you're thinking "Imaginary story? Zolnier, aren't they all?" first of all congratulate yourself for choosing to paraphrase Alan Moore. Secondly back then while every story's cover would try and make you think Superman was a murderer/wife beater/corpse/robot/Batman, they obviously couldn't do it. But every once in a while they'd get tired of trying to work a way around not doing stuff that'd end the series and so just do it. These non canon tales were called imaginary stories. Maybe I shoulder showed you something more normal though what the hell is normal here?

Now on to the actual cover. First of all how isn't Lois not a bloody smear on the ground? Krypton's gravity's so strong it's inhabitants need what elsewhere qualify as planet flinging muscles! And that red giant must make for a hell of vitamin d deficiency. Maybe she acclimated during her pope-mobile time travel trips to wreck Jor-El's marriage and molest baby Clark. Both of those actually happened.

Do like that even after retiring from super heroism and lacking all super-powers, Red is still wearing the outfit. But not as much as the fact that Lana, after marrying, doing and birthing the kids of a man she isn't using his real name(s). 

Oh and those Kryptonian kids must be teased so freaking much by the Earth ones. Must suck going to school with them, the grade curve in PE would be incredible.

"If we don't forecast the comic several wimpy children will surely go into cardiac arrest!

   It's truly amazing that a publication that's bread and butter was deceiving and misleading it's readers every week could hate suspense so intensely. I can only think of one plot point not revealed in this front page and that was revealed on the cover!  It's like that European edition of 1984 where the back just says "He Loved Big Brother", actually that book's ending is disturbingly relevant to this story. We'll get to that.  

I think we've caught him the day Crash Test Dummies recorded a certain something.

So our imaginary day opens with Clark losing out on a salary of... twenty five dollars a week! Old timey money's weird. I can't really feel sorry for a man who can't do get decent stories despite:

1. Not sleeping

2.Being faster than light

3.Being able to see through walls and hear everything happening ever. 

And so yeah the city of Kandor calls for Superman, just when he was about to call Five For Fighting to tell them his idea for a single. And their urgent need for an audience is so they can bitch at him. Yeah the Kandorians have lured Superman into an anti pep talk. These are people the size of microbes calling the bloke who keeps the air hose clear shit. Supes, if you just made a kink you could shut them up good...

 This rainbow shall make my brain fabulous!

Instead of doing the sane thing and poring some booze onto those bottled ingrates, Superman responds with thought bubble crying. And why shouldn't he, he's barely made any headway solving every solitary problem ever. He even agrees to Kandor's bat shit insane plan of replacing him. Keep in mind his replacement would be less than an inch tall. And he can't enlarge them, despite shrinking and enlarging himself and others every other week. I suspect this is because everyone in Kandor is too stupid to form an orderly line. 

He's so distraught by their anti-pep talk I'm tempted to think that he has no faith the contraption will work and just figures it's faster than suicide by green k. 

Before we move on notice no one suggest Supergirl succeed Superman. 

Usually when I see this it means I need to stop playing the Jimmy Olsen drinking game

First of all, I think those symbols spinning around their heads means they're dazed from a bonk on the head. This shall explain much. Like how they can do equations on their brain power with nothing to go of. Also if I were to guess the overload was because the blue kryptonite conflicted with the blue hair. 

And Blue, when your literal first words are an attempt to convince us "I'm totally not evil guys" and right afterwards you're making that face I start suspecting things. 

Wouldn't it be great if they accidentally threw the city? Assuming Blue didn't on purpose.

When reading old comics you will probably notice that strange may be said more than "the". Clark probably described his pubic hair as strange, or possibly astounding. And I'll save all the non science for next pages.  Except where in the world is the "meteor belt" 

The Kandorians had all frozen or boiled to death in the wastes of space. And there was much rejoicing

Okay I'll be nice and not point out that it would take like millions of years for all those pieces of Krypton to reach that point in space, well I was going to be nice any way.  Am wondering where the water and air came from. Also why the hell didn't the glass enlarge, was thousands of super powered beings destroying their glass prison not stupid enough for the creators? And if the way passes through glass does this mean the city has a lot of empty window frames with tiny piles of glass below them? Probably should be concerned about the orbits of the other planets this one has messed up but whatever. I know that I should take into consideration the time this was made, the format and genre when we're talking about science but then why would I do this? If I respected it so much.

Yeah Superman, we know we're compressing the mountains, we are fucking doing it in front of you!

Hey Kandor, there was nothing stopping you having powers on Earth! Also what do you mean barren?? I saw grass last page, also New Krypton, real creative! 

The Superman Emergency Squad sound like his suicide watch or something. 

Anyone confused as to why our Council Chamber has the Earth in the centre?

 If the plants grow at super speed, why don't the animals? I would imagine New Krypton to be an orgy of constant death and birth as invulnerable, fast growing plants fight and breed. And why can't you guys have a normal life, doesn't it sound like Red is dictating terms? If everyone is super no one is! And don't tell me they'd accidentally break their shit, in the Silver Age all matter from Krypton was at least invulnerable under yellow suns. If you acquired a condom from there you'd be set for life. 

I do hope that planet doesn't stick around, the constant tidal waves, collisions and invasions by Kandorian frat boys are so annoying. 

You've forgotten to tell me how everything gets resolved!

  Superman Red sounds so aghast at the idea of them losing their powers right after saying they basically had to. Also those guys are such dicks "Oh we knew you'd make the wise decision, so we made it for you!"  what were they going to do if they said they like super powers and lovely yellow suns? Oh well, bye Kandor, enjoy millions of years of cold between suns! 

And don't get me started on how they use the word constellation, moving on!

I bet Superman(s) like "I almost married that woman" and Supergirl just sits up that night wondering...

That first panel is the closest thing in the comic to suspense and literally one panel after it's destroyed. Actually kind of a funny lampshade on the usual fake out. Also how did you cure green kryptonite poisoning? You can't be sure that some isn't still out there. Lazy buggers. But any way no time, a vacant eyed disembodied face has broken in. This is Lori Lemaris, A mermaid from Atlantis Superman almost screwed in uni. Do you see why I do this? What I love is she seems the none least interested or surprised there are two Supermen. 

The Atlanteans are upset because humans think they're weird and that's such a big problem they need a new planet. Even though the average mermaid probably talks to humans roughly never. If they had said humans were messing with their environ that would be understandable but that would be hippie talk. 

Mental telepathy may be the most redundant thing ever. What's physical telepathy, bashing someone over the head and looking very closely?

Time to melt our dead family's statue!

I get that you've recreated Krypton guys but you do remember that the people who died when it exploded aren't back as well right? You know considering the not there grass earlier I would not be surprised if the writers forgot. Bit surprised there's any crime any where if these guys can hit targets with their heat vision from trillions of miles away with any accuracy. 

Oh yeah the dog, sad thing is Krypto ranks higher than Supergirl. 

  

Glad you remembered to pack the sacred giant lego!

It's a shame Superman Red and Blue forget that's where they stored their priceless family heirlooms. Also sometimes I marvel at the thought process of these people. When asked "How would you take mermaids to another planet" I imagine most of us would say flooded space ship or something like that. When you ask the author of this he throws his bottle of LSD laced rum at you and makes scrawls "giant space water slide". 

Putting aside the speed and time issues, because I think we already covered that with the assembly of New Krypton. Needless to say those mermaids should just be hoping their distant descendent can make it. Are Earth and Defaced Memorial Planet staying absolutely still, it must because the tunnel isn't shaking apart. And how many meteors did you use for this guys? I also think those mermen are straying way to close to the edge. 

Lori seems to have a good estimate on her people's record keeping skills though. 

 Concluded In Next Post!