I have decided to start over.

If anyone is interested, go here. http://lunaticsupermanandotherstories.blogspot.com.au/

An apology

Life and school work, and writer's block has gotten in the way of updating. I'll make it up to you with some Silver Age Shenanigans.

Dystopian Days, Oh And The Enlil Thing Shall Be Reposted Soon.

Tomorrow I'll start on a series of reviews of dystopia novels. So far I have 1984, Brave New World, Blind Faith and the Giver planned.

Silver Age Shenanigans! 

Amazing Fourth Post!

The Super Family Of Steel 

Today we're doing another "unique" story. This "novel", I think they were called that so their writers could lie to their kids with less guilt, thinks it's clever.  You see the writing process for superhero comics back then went like this, first think of something cool to put on the cover. Second figure out a way for it to happen in the book and not derail Superman forever. This was usually achieved veer having a character do something monstrous to another on the cover. In the story it'd almost definitely be an alien wearing Superman's body like a skin suit or something. 

Also technically we're not doing a Superman book today, but only technically. This is Lois Lane: Superman's Girlfriend. The title is a lie, while until recently Superman and Lois were most definitely an item and married, in the Silver Age I think Superman usually desired nothing but Lois to fuck of.  You see while Lois for the past thirty or maybe even forty years has most often been portrayed as a intelligent, competent women that any godlike alien would be lucky to have, Silver Age Lois was none of those things.  She was a conniving  witch like harpy with no ambitions in life other than forcing Superman/Clark (usually the former because the ding bat couldn't figure out he was the latter on her own) into a loveless marriage. This could involve mind control, blackmail, false identities and other morally despicable things. This would form the plot of most issues of Lois Lane. 

I suspect the entire comic was propaganda by people who really hated women. The application process writers  involved being led into a room containing a random woman plucked of the streets. The hopeful writer would be left alone with this woman and would only be given the job if he started beating her while screaming "No the shape of Eve!". He'd get a bonus if he killed her before being pried of. 

I'm sure you'll all have guessed the twist by page three but be nice.

As you can guess the little blurb is like a fairy, it may not lie but it's perfectly capable of omission. Yes those are not imposters, but that doesn't mean that something interesting will be changed in the long run.  Two things of note, one Lois is apparently higher than Everest during her wedding and Kryptonians dress their children terribly. Serious the boy's going to be hiding that picture from his friends forever.

...It's almost sad that Lois and Supermen have hallucinated marital bliss so much that here she must remind herself it's not an alien burrowing into her brain.


I was perplexed by the way that their anniversary seems to have fused with a children's birthday party. I'm sad to say that this comic rejects a "Kryptonite ray gun marriage followed by waters breaking over the church steps." 

Jane Brown, meet John Smith!

Laura the woman you suspect her to be works as an investigative journalist. Mightn't that be for reasons involving her and any blonde bimbo nearby being blown to pieces by whoever she's investigating. Also considering the fact Superman travels basically everywhere all the time I think she'll have to try a little harder to put some distance between them.

In the time it took him to verbalize that paragraph in his head Jane Brown had been quickly yet agonizingly killed. 

Women in comics at the time all had inner ear infections as you can plainly see. Also I think in her brief but eventful page presence Laura may have established herself as more vile than Lois a round of applause! 

Oh no Superman's turned into a bee again! 

Jesus Christ Superman at that angle do you think they won't notice it? Or is "undisturbed" just a synonym for "Not dead maybe." So even after Superman's rescued her and told her is true identity Jane is dubious about the sudden proposal from a man who clearly just whispered some nonsense in her ear.  Superman goes of to court her, in the classical sense not so much the weird women as chattel thing the Duggars do. 

"Not the queen of all the girls on Mars though, they just can't be beat!" 

There is something a wee bit weird about a man who's engagement presents are mainly stuff he stole from other, deader women. Also I love how Superman goes eh... it's so oddly human on that perfectly chiselled face. 

Super compliments is a power Superman has now, accept it. I'm not winding you brain back up. ALSO SUPERMAN BROKE GOD!

What have you done Superman, the end is near! Superman just went to the Garden Of Eden and nicked shit. This raises so many questions that I may be bleeding from the ears. So Superman takes place in a creationist universe. Fine he referenced evolution, a time scale of billions of years, among other things, but continuity has never been this series' strong suit. But is this before the Fall? If not why didn't god stop him from entering? Does mankind's barring from Earthly paradise not extend to Kryptonians? Is Superman more powerful than God!? Does this mean Superman is a Christian or a Jew? He's sworn by the Kryptonian sun god a lot. So did the Kyrptonians have their fate decided by Adam and Eve's actions or did they have their own equivalent to the Garden? Or are they even tainted by Original Sin? And Superman after what you just did I'd never ask about any science again. No need to explain how the fuck the flowers aren't wilting.

...Also those flowers aren't great. At least Jane looks happy. 

Usually when you go from engagement, to wedding this quick a manufacturing error is involved. 

That cup of happiness is the perfect size for Superman but terrible for literally every other person who's gotten married on this island in it's entire history. Did Superman go back in time and rewrite the island's history so it'd be more fun for him? How many noble men have been crippled for life in their pursuit of sacred matrimony? 

 The acceleration however, has turned her into a liquid lunch. 

I think Superman only remembered the circumstances of Jane's survival until they were at the space ship. Like someone who checks if they remembered their wallet after the get of the plane. "Oh shit she'd dea-wait." Also if that's their first anniversary present his fifty year present will seem quite crap. 

How long will their honeymoon be while we're on the topic. Because they usually last at least a week and that thing doesn't have a toilet.

Lara and Jor-El look so pissed of. 

How'd she get changed in that amount of space!? Also You may think Superman taking his wife to what is essentially his family's grave is perfectly appropriate. But the ending will muddle it a bit I promise. 

Nobody else aside from us two, and Jimmy, and Bruce Wayne... and Supergirl and...

Well time for the standard scientific ignorance of the mid twentieth century joke. Oh it's a great place Superman except for the oceans of lead, boiling heat and nauseatingly slow rotation. Also space sight seeing must be awfully annoying, Superman's has defaced every second celestial body to be a memorial or celebration of something. I like to think at least one Legion Of Superheroes member comes from Lois' ear ring. 

Now what's up with the Fortress aside from it being less exclusive than many night clubs?

Yes twelve songs at once, all them awful!

This is rather odd for Lois. She has neither had to trick, mind control or bribe Superman into entering a loveless marriage with her. Nor is Superman a horrible monster or cheating with a mermaid behind Lois' back hmm... 

Also that gas will take five years to clear, Superman has never heard of over kill it seems. 

It's different from Jimmy's so I know to actually answer it!

With how long Superman must take on Earth I can imagine what else she uses the mechanical arm mechanism for. I love the criminals feel the need to inform their victims how they're communicating. Imagine you're touring through Somalia for some insane reasons and pirates catch you. "We can tell you to pull of ya jocks and gives all your money thanks to our English to Somali phrase books!"

Sadly the aliens FTL drive was not engaged and they died of old age. 

Miss Jingles has died. Services will be held at dawn tomorrow. If it seems rushed this is Venus, you have more than a year to prepare. Also aliens how the hell did you think trying to hold hostage the wife of a guy who can kill you before the sensation of your heart being squeezed even registers.   

I think Super-Father was a really crappy 90's movie. Likely starring Hulk Hogan 

Putting aside the implication in the first panel that Superman forgot his wife was nine months pregnant, how is she still alive? Hell if she could survive those two kicking she clearly has no need for a super serum.  Also Superman wouldn't it be easier to make them a spinning toy?  

Also alliterating twin names, another thing these two will hold against their parents. 

I liked it better when we could kill Mommy without blinking if she dared cross us

You know those awful news stories you get, like "woman drowns toddlers in tub"? Yeah Venus'll soon be hearing "toddlers drown mother in tub". Raising a super child would be an unmitigated hell, raising two has no word to convey the terror. These two could crush her in a hug, imagine what they could do if they were annoyed!  

It's okay though, Superman has the super serum and Lois drinks it down like it's the hard liquor she needs to make it through the lonely days.  Oh and this was before they came up with the idea of kryptonians being solar batteries. I get gravity's lesser influence making them stronger and faster, but what's with the flight and senses? John Carter wasn't bullet proof! 

Wish that lout would rebuild the freaking robot so I didn't have to waste godlike power on god damn dinner!

So rather than riding the star winds catching the whispers of far flung societies like the near divine being she has become Lois spends her days using her gifts for petty stuff. She even throws out her labour saving devices as if the writers were trying to say technology is bad for helping women getting out of the kitchen.  Too be fair these tasks now take her like five seconds. Which makes it stranger that she's never checked in on the husband since Venus doesn't seem to have much else to do.

I like how now both parents are super they upgraded the kids' wardrobe from kind of awful to embarrassing beyond belief. Also Lois, that does not look like Superman is consenting. In fact he looks terrified. Maybe Lana's an octopus monster in disguise this issue.

Superman looks so resigned about his wife chucking the china at him. All he can bother to do is point out the physics. 

My god, does how many beautiful and unique species she's wiped out? Does she even care? The twins look pretty excited about their mother's rampage. Guess they were getting annoyed with their workaholic father as well. 

Aww mopey Superman. This is honestly the most human I've seen Olden Days Superman so far. Hard not to feel sorry for him. 

Superman smash Sputnik!

Hey something I've noticed, in these sort of stories Superman always has the same kids. Male/female fraternal twins with blue hair if the mother is Lois, red hair with Lana. The same kids, over and over forever and ever can't you hear the drums! 

Maybe he only has two sperm but they always make their mark. 

We didn't tell you this before because what with the superpowers psychological torture is all we got. 

I'm thinking these kids have some kind of language disorder, they're like five, have super human brains, and still mangling syntax. Maybe it's Venus' lack of oxygen.  But any way you be in two places at once Superman? IF THAT IS YOUR REAL FAKE NAME!

Yep here's the twist. 

Superman's super stalker! 

Yes! These aren't Superman and Lois, it's some guys who look just like them. Van-Zee is Superman's cousin or something, and spends his time cyber stalking him and Lois. 

...And now imitating him exactly. These comic just hit creep town. 

It's good Zan looks just like Clark or he'd be wearing his skin now.

Superman is so casual about bombarding the last of his kind with x-rays. Shit maybe it was a "tragic" accident. Their millions of tinny voices must be irritating. 

Run Superman before he slips inside of you!

The Lois statue looks stunned and confused. Maybe it's a giant woman forced to pose as her. 

Ah see, guile old Superman wishes to trick his stalker into marrying the witch, two birds with one stone! I honestly suspect the word court was meant to be read as double innuendo.  

I don't like Zan's eyes on the middle left panel. Brrrr...

My god, I knew comics could be ham fisted but Lord Essex is something else. I mean he's rich, so therefore he's English, therefore he's nobility, therefore he lives in a castle. And of course he has a fucking monocle and in the 1950's is having his marriage to a American woman a hundred and twenty years younger than him arranged. 

Also I guess appearance is everything.

Yeah yellow panel, "natural"

Wow now going from proposal to marriage is even sillier  They have literally just met and his attraction is based upon her resemblance to the woman he pervs on. And yeah you were hypnotized so hard you fell into the water and climb back in. 

I can so out do this memorial to the death of billions! 

So the Superman robots are like a taxi service now, no wonder one of them wanted out. We'll get to that soon enough. And I bet I can find like a dozen other occasions where super hearing pierces the vacuum of space. Hell in this they hold conversations well enough. 

Giant narrow eyed Superman and giant tear filled Lois watch you screw!

Hey this comic actually has a reason the Kryptonian gravity isn't killing the human. Spoil sport comic, almost making sense... 

I assume Sylvia was driven to the bottle living alone in an alien culture and the kids got severe injuries springing from a mindset created by an environment where almost nothing could hurt them. Goodnight! 

TUNE IN NEXT TIME, SAME SUPER INTERNET, SAME SUPER BLOG FOR SUPERMAN UNDER THE RED SUN!

Silver Age Shenanigans!

The Girl Who Didn't Believe In Superman!

Third Jaw Dropping Post!

Now friends, I'm going to show you something that by the non standards of the time was a "normal" Superman story, let me tell you what to expect. 

• Superman is both one person and therefore bound by the laws of monogamy and also not a brainwasher. 
• He is married to neither Lois or Lana and really doesn't want to be. 
• Lex Luthor is bald despite apparently being able to cure it to any time. 

So this is not imaginary, it is but it isn't, it's "real". Today's offering is from Superman issue ninety six. The story: The Girl Who Didn't Believe In Superman!...

There are so many reasons this is one of the stupidest premises in Superman history and last night I read a story about super-threesomes. Onwards!

Oh god what's wrong with that girl's forehead!?

Hey stupid truckers, turn of the engines for a sec! She isn't deaf. And super-reality, does everything need super prefixed to it? When Clark Kent super-wakes up and gets out of super-bed does he take a super-shit and have some super-toast? 

Superman finds this child's disability highly amusing!

That child in the first panel looks like she'd be a brat, maybe redhead hate's infected me. I love how even after a lord knows how many active and open attempts to get into Superman's tights Lois still tries flirting. And Clark, I'm sure the blind enjoy tourism as well. And what do the blind have no need for our able bodied money? 

Of course she's in all black. Subtleness doesn't exist anywhere near the 50's. 

In the fourth panel Alice looks like she's smelled something very surprising... what does she know we don't?

How the hell does Alice not believe in Superman? I mean surely she's heard about him on the news, she lives in Metropolis there is no way in hell she hasn't been impacted somehow by super villains.  School's never been closed due to Bizarro invasions? Actually this was the 50's I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't let her go to school. And Alice looks about ten, maybe twelve, that would make her six to eight when she was blinded. Wouldn't she have gained visual evidence for Superman being real before that?

Judging by the look on Superman's face he is clearly incapable of thinking of things sight impaired kids can enjoy. "The beautiful si-smells, of flowers!" Also I think Alice's mum shops at a Kandorian boutique. 

I like how bored Alice seems to be down on the bottom left panel.

I wonder how Alice can breath that high. Actually oxygen deprivation is a pretty good explanation for a lot of the Superman cast's behaviour. And I know what the artist is trying to do, depict how unused and unfocused eyes look, but it just comes out bizarre. 

By now you're probably wondering if people really thought that the blind were so bitter and twisted back then. Well let this (and Mr Magoo cartoons)  be you answer. The 1950's social standards for what could be considered to be a good and wholesome person were so restrictive that only one man (you knew it was going to be a man) fit them. He died in 1978 from alcohol poisoning after putting his son in hospital for dating a black dude. A communist black dude. 

Also Superman ask her to tell you about somewhere that'd take say half an hour to get to, somewhere she could recognize with her other senses. Then take her there in under a second. There comic over. 

Dammit comic I solved your stupid problem. Why are you here?

Superman, faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Unable to prove his existence to a small child! Okay Superman, you've got the needlessly sceptical child in the entire universe. You prove to her your real by taking something she cannot see, and handing her something she cannot see to confirm it's the same object.  You know I think I've figured out why he didn't get that raise in Superman Red and Blue. 

There is something very wrong with how Lois is twisting by the way. 

Maybe if I cook her brain the problem will go away.

I think Wayne Boring (yes that is one of the writer's names) somehow gazed into the future and read some Daredevil. Because now he's convinced that a blind person's other senses become superpowers. Yes they compensate but if it was to that extent we wouldn't need Braille! Or any other aid. 

Also he hasn't displayed super speed, freeze breath, super intelligence, super basket weaving, heat vision (well back then heat vision was just concentrated x-ray vision, eventually they changed that when actually having Superman use x-rays would mean he's given a lot of his friends cancer), and the ability to shoot a rainbow that creates a tiny little clone. 

Oh and invulnerability.

Seeing someone master your field in the time it takes you to piss must be heartbreaking.

Not going to give us a reason they couldn't find the glass eh Clark? Well this explains why her forehead was so swollen on the first page. Actually that scene never really happened didn't it?! Maybe the authors thought it was too dumb. 

Funny fact, well funny in the way seeing cats being experimented on to refine anal fissure cream is, the Comic Code Authority (the little seal on the cover of most of these) didn't like the depiction of disabled people unless they were cured. They were arseholes and by the end of their existence only Archie, the suck up, sought their approval. 

You'd that Superman would have learn't some doctor stuff before since he's part rescue worker. Also I bet the person manning the intercom is giggling like mad having to say "Calling Doctor Superman". Doesn't help when they're putting his coat on he kind of looks like a zombie. Guess Marvel didn't cash in on the trend first. 

Sight makes Alice's face fifty percent creepier. 

The mother seems to be in religious ecstasy regarding Superman being her daughter's first sight. All hail Kal-El! Oh and now she's in pink. I found subtly today, with the last of her blood she scrawled on my door a dying message. 

"This is a joke about the comic not being subtle!" 

Those are some very white looking South Sea Islanders, maybe it's Paradise Island and the one in the foreground just abuses steroids.

Kind of depressing that people on start being generous after her problem's been fixed. And Superman automatically assumes that guy is a criminal, he may just be the protagonist of a mystery comic Clark!

Look at that face John makes, he knows he's getting laid tonight! 

Yes Superman throw what you think might be a dangerous criminal into the room with the little girl! And if I was Alice's mum and my husband who ran of because he let his stupid guilt overwhelm him, leaving me alone to raise my traumatized special needs daughter, came waltzing back once he didn't have to deal with it, I'd claw his eyes out. If I was Alice I'd kick him in the shins and if I was Superman I'd put him into orbit! If I was Lois I'd laugh because Lois is evil. 

I will admit that Superman's last line is sweet in a stupid way. If you feel guilty and wrong by association and can't find a copy of this comic to eat, I would suggest donating to Vision Australia here, http://www.visionaustralia.org/

Tune In Next Time, Same Super Internet, Same Super Blog For The Super Family Of Steel!

Silver Age Shenanigans!

The Amazing Story Of Superman Red And Blue

Second Weird Post!

When we last left our story Superman had been split of into two beings, Red and Blue, in a freak perm accident. Using their powers of plot convenience they completely solved both the uppity bastards in Kandor's problems, therefore getting them out of Superman's place, and the merfolk of Atlantis' problem of being anywhere near stinking humans. Now will they continue to solve everything in a page or two tops?

Where else would we be if they didn't?

Blue, these things look ray too much like death rays....

Oh where to start with this page.  Well there's the mermaids calling their planet Hyrda, which may be fitting because this story is also about a multi headed monster. Or the fact that Superman Red and Blue are brainwashing everyone in the world! And of course it's evil Blue who comes up with the idea fist. Also apparently this will make animals not eat each other, the lions are going to be extinct I guess. 

You thought I was kidding about 1984 didn't you?! 

I don't think that ray worked on the guy in blue in the bottom right panel. He seems confused 

And so piece was achieved veer global lobotomy. And Premier, I understand your heart has been forcefully inserted into the right place but it dumping radioactive materials really the right way- sir, sir! Of course when the Soviets(?) have missiles it's evil. Bet the Americans got to keep their's. And if you've induced pure peach and altruism do you really need to put them back in jail? And wow that must've been a hell of a break out.

Also wouldn't baddies just start hurling rocks or something at Earth from far away. At least when it was an invasion force you could've surrendered. This brainwashing has gone too far, save us Superman! Oh wait.

Think we should test the mysterious serum made by the ex evil mad man before dumping it in the water supply?

Those poor stupid aliens would fall for every interstellar con job forever more. Anyway this reminds me of that Two Knights song, with the maidens. Guess that make Lex the Maidens eww. Oh I think I'm suppressing something....

AN ANTIBIOTIC ONLY WORKS ON BACTERIAL CONDITIONS HOW DID YOU GO YOUR WHOLE LIFE WITHOUT EVEN ACCIDENTALLY LEARNING ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!

What the hell, were antibiotics like brand new back then so everyone thought they were magic like radiation? Or is the comic suggesting that Lex has discovered everything from Down's Syndrome to broken bones are caused by a bacteria? If so that's the stupidest thing in the world but I also wonder what happens when the ensuing generations of bacteria develop resistances.

Oh and the hair thing is more significant then you'd think with your puny sane brain. Lex in the Silver Age was evil mostly because he was bald, because of a chemical accident when he was young. Yeah no humanistic desire to see alien influence on humanity crushed, no real power lust, just his hair. Also why didn't he just make up the *sigh* anti biotic, before for his exclusive use? 

 Yeah this really needed to be separated into acts!

Why the hell is he calling his sister by her full name? Her fake full name at that. Oh and they're trying for suspense again, Supermen why can't you remember the brain rape anti evil ray you just set up this morning? 

This last act bought to you by the FLDS! 

Clark Kent(s) looks so smug in this. Also a moral dilemma by 60's standards, which stupid fairy tale ending is more fairy tale. Also Supergirl, you never stood on Krypton. You were born and raised on a floating hunk of Krypton hurtling through space. Also didn't you have adoptive parents by now? 

Normally I as a sane person would not find that kiss the least bit creepy, it's obviously meant to be platonic... But Superman said he wanted to marry her once. 

Oh look the Legion Of Superheroes is here to punish the Supermen for brutally warping the timeline and destroying their version of the future. Or maybe give Supergirl a lift I don't know. Also they act like she can never regain her powers, despite the fact all she has to do is leave New Krypton's solar system to enjoy them. She could come over on weekends for super powered benders. The space ship thing might have been a dilemma if it wasn't for the fact in the time it takes you to process this word right here Superman could've had a ship designed, built, launched and landed. 

How long until the freaking group marriage, several weirdos are probably only here for this.   

That horse wanted to sleep with Supergirl. How did that ever get published?

Wow that stupid ray can affect humans and every phylum, taxon, class and species on Earth, robots, aliens and now things not even made out of real matter. 

You know what I refuse to believe the ray actually affected Mr Mxyzptlk-sorry spell check melted, still yeah I bet those statues came to life and started wrecking shit a week later. 

And as for the wife thing... flip a coin, alternate weekly?

"An ironic twist of fate" aren't we clever ha ha!

This scene makes me wonder about Clark's spiritual beliefs. Clearly he believes in some form of luck or fate but is there anything more to that? 

Any way if the lightning had melted those Ls the right way this would've ended with both of them marrying Jimmy. And if they're the same man shouldn't they want the same woman?

You know they could accidentally wear each other's costumes one day and we might never know who is who again...

If I was Clark(s) I would've had Bruce Wayne come and be me again and then when I reveal the trick, reveal Red or Blue or whoever is not me. It'd be the greatest double jape ever. 

I predict many a weird key party. 

I think the fact that Clark and Clark get married in their costumes and everyone's okay with this says a lot about all their psyches.

This is like those fanfics written after series finales where the bitter authors thinks up lame solutions to her pet peeves and pairs everyone up.  Hey does marriage count as a super power because if so Jimmy's got it, take a shot. 

Does nobody just use a space ship?!

Considering how the Silver Age Lois Lane was an evil harpy I wouldn't be surprised if this was a way of luring her to Krypton to get her killed from the gravitational stress.  And Superman Blue looks so damn self satisfied  probably because now he is Earth's most powerful being nothing can stop him. Also I think they forgot the dog's suit! Krypto, from whatever year he was born in to whatever year this is in, RIP. 

Also they seem to not remember they can just come back and visit. Though Lois back then was a colossal melodrama. Bet they're back for the weekend barbecue. 

You were right Blue this Skynet thing is working out great!

Ah robot slaves, life is good. Red has the face of a man filled with nothing but regret and hasn't taken of his pyjamas in four years. And they maybe happy the twins are growing up without super powers but I bet those two are pissed. 

To answer your question last panel I see differing but in the end mostly the same strains of unhappiness engulfing these two couples. 

Tune In Next Time, Same Super Internet, Same Super Blog, For The Girl Who Wouldn't Believe In Superman... Or The Really Stupid Girl!