Silver Age Shenanigans! 

Amazing Fourth Post!

The Super Family Of Steel 

Today we're doing another "unique" story. This "novel", I think they were called that so their writers could lie to their kids with less guilt, thinks it's clever.  You see the writing process for superhero comics back then went like this, first think of something cool to put on the cover. Second figure out a way for it to happen in the book and not derail Superman forever. This was usually achieved veer having a character do something monstrous to another on the cover. In the story it'd almost definitely be an alien wearing Superman's body like a skin suit or something. 

Also technically we're not doing a Superman book today, but only technically. This is Lois Lane: Superman's Girlfriend. The title is a lie, while until recently Superman and Lois were most definitely an item and married, in the Silver Age I think Superman usually desired nothing but Lois to fuck of.  You see while Lois for the past thirty or maybe even forty years has most often been portrayed as a intelligent, competent women that any godlike alien would be lucky to have, Silver Age Lois was none of those things.  She was a conniving  witch like harpy with no ambitions in life other than forcing Superman/Clark (usually the former because the ding bat couldn't figure out he was the latter on her own) into a loveless marriage. This could involve mind control, blackmail, false identities and other morally despicable things. This would form the plot of most issues of Lois Lane. 

I suspect the entire comic was propaganda by people who really hated women. The application process writers  involved being led into a room containing a random woman plucked of the streets. The hopeful writer would be left alone with this woman and would only be given the job if he started beating her while screaming "No the shape of Eve!". He'd get a bonus if he killed her before being pried of. 

I'm sure you'll all have guessed the twist by page three but be nice.

As you can guess the little blurb is like a fairy, it may not lie but it's perfectly capable of omission. Yes those are not imposters, but that doesn't mean that something interesting will be changed in the long run.  Two things of note, one Lois is apparently higher than Everest during her wedding and Kryptonians dress their children terribly. Serious the boy's going to be hiding that picture from his friends forever.

...It's almost sad that Lois and Supermen have hallucinated marital bliss so much that here she must remind herself it's not an alien burrowing into her brain.


I was perplexed by the way that their anniversary seems to have fused with a children's birthday party. I'm sad to say that this comic rejects a "Kryptonite ray gun marriage followed by waters breaking over the church steps." 

Jane Brown, meet John Smith!

Laura the woman you suspect her to be works as an investigative journalist. Mightn't that be for reasons involving her and any blonde bimbo nearby being blown to pieces by whoever she's investigating. Also considering the fact Superman travels basically everywhere all the time I think she'll have to try a little harder to put some distance between them.

In the time it took him to verbalize that paragraph in his head Jane Brown had been quickly yet agonizingly killed. 

Women in comics at the time all had inner ear infections as you can plainly see. Also I think in her brief but eventful page presence Laura may have established herself as more vile than Lois a round of applause! 

Oh no Superman's turned into a bee again! 

Jesus Christ Superman at that angle do you think they won't notice it? Or is "undisturbed" just a synonym for "Not dead maybe." So even after Superman's rescued her and told her is true identity Jane is dubious about the sudden proposal from a man who clearly just whispered some nonsense in her ear.  Superman goes of to court her, in the classical sense not so much the weird women as chattel thing the Duggars do. 

"Not the queen of all the girls on Mars though, they just can't be beat!" 

There is something a wee bit weird about a man who's engagement presents are mainly stuff he stole from other, deader women. Also I love how Superman goes eh... it's so oddly human on that perfectly chiselled face. 

Super compliments is a power Superman has now, accept it. I'm not winding you brain back up. ALSO SUPERMAN BROKE GOD!

What have you done Superman, the end is near! Superman just went to the Garden Of Eden and nicked shit. This raises so many questions that I may be bleeding from the ears. So Superman takes place in a creationist universe. Fine he referenced evolution, a time scale of billions of years, among other things, but continuity has never been this series' strong suit. But is this before the Fall? If not why didn't god stop him from entering? Does mankind's barring from Earthly paradise not extend to Kryptonians? Is Superman more powerful than God!? Does this mean Superman is a Christian or a Jew? He's sworn by the Kryptonian sun god a lot. So did the Kyrptonians have their fate decided by Adam and Eve's actions or did they have their own equivalent to the Garden? Or are they even tainted by Original Sin? And Superman after what you just did I'd never ask about any science again. No need to explain how the fuck the flowers aren't wilting.

...Also those flowers aren't great. At least Jane looks happy. 

Usually when you go from engagement, to wedding this quick a manufacturing error is involved. 

That cup of happiness is the perfect size for Superman but terrible for literally every other person who's gotten married on this island in it's entire history. Did Superman go back in time and rewrite the island's history so it'd be more fun for him? How many noble men have been crippled for life in their pursuit of sacred matrimony? 

 The acceleration however, has turned her into a liquid lunch. 

I think Superman only remembered the circumstances of Jane's survival until they were at the space ship. Like someone who checks if they remembered their wallet after the get of the plane. "Oh shit she'd dea-wait." Also if that's their first anniversary present his fifty year present will seem quite crap. 

How long will their honeymoon be while we're on the topic. Because they usually last at least a week and that thing doesn't have a toilet.

Lara and Jor-El look so pissed of. 

How'd she get changed in that amount of space!? Also You may think Superman taking his wife to what is essentially his family's grave is perfectly appropriate. But the ending will muddle it a bit I promise. 

Nobody else aside from us two, and Jimmy, and Bruce Wayne... and Supergirl and...

Well time for the standard scientific ignorance of the mid twentieth century joke. Oh it's a great place Superman except for the oceans of lead, boiling heat and nauseatingly slow rotation. Also space sight seeing must be awfully annoying, Superman's has defaced every second celestial body to be a memorial or celebration of something. I like to think at least one Legion Of Superheroes member comes from Lois' ear ring. 

Now what's up with the Fortress aside from it being less exclusive than many night clubs?

Yes twelve songs at once, all them awful!

This is rather odd for Lois. She has neither had to trick, mind control or bribe Superman into entering a loveless marriage with her. Nor is Superman a horrible monster or cheating with a mermaid behind Lois' back hmm... 

Also that gas will take five years to clear, Superman has never heard of over kill it seems. 

It's different from Jimmy's so I know to actually answer it!

With how long Superman must take on Earth I can imagine what else she uses the mechanical arm mechanism for. I love the criminals feel the need to inform their victims how they're communicating. Imagine you're touring through Somalia for some insane reasons and pirates catch you. "We can tell you to pull of ya jocks and gives all your money thanks to our English to Somali phrase books!"

Sadly the aliens FTL drive was not engaged and they died of old age. 

Miss Jingles has died. Services will be held at dawn tomorrow. If it seems rushed this is Venus, you have more than a year to prepare. Also aliens how the hell did you think trying to hold hostage the wife of a guy who can kill you before the sensation of your heart being squeezed even registers.   

I think Super-Father was a really crappy 90's movie. Likely starring Hulk Hogan 

Putting aside the implication in the first panel that Superman forgot his wife was nine months pregnant, how is she still alive? Hell if she could survive those two kicking she clearly has no need for a super serum.  Also Superman wouldn't it be easier to make them a spinning toy?  

Also alliterating twin names, another thing these two will hold against their parents. 

I liked it better when we could kill Mommy without blinking if she dared cross us

You know those awful news stories you get, like "woman drowns toddlers in tub"? Yeah Venus'll soon be hearing "toddlers drown mother in tub". Raising a super child would be an unmitigated hell, raising two has no word to convey the terror. These two could crush her in a hug, imagine what they could do if they were annoyed!  

It's okay though, Superman has the super serum and Lois drinks it down like it's the hard liquor she needs to make it through the lonely days.  Oh and this was before they came up with the idea of kryptonians being solar batteries. I get gravity's lesser influence making them stronger and faster, but what's with the flight and senses? John Carter wasn't bullet proof! 

Wish that lout would rebuild the freaking robot so I didn't have to waste godlike power on god damn dinner!

So rather than riding the star winds catching the whispers of far flung societies like the near divine being she has become Lois spends her days using her gifts for petty stuff. She even throws out her labour saving devices as if the writers were trying to say technology is bad for helping women getting out of the kitchen.  Too be fair these tasks now take her like five seconds. Which makes it stranger that she's never checked in on the husband since Venus doesn't seem to have much else to do.

I like how now both parents are super they upgraded the kids' wardrobe from kind of awful to embarrassing beyond belief. Also Lois, that does not look like Superman is consenting. In fact he looks terrified. Maybe Lana's an octopus monster in disguise this issue.

Superman looks so resigned about his wife chucking the china at him. All he can bother to do is point out the physics. 

My god, does how many beautiful and unique species she's wiped out? Does she even care? The twins look pretty excited about their mother's rampage. Guess they were getting annoyed with their workaholic father as well. 

Aww mopey Superman. This is honestly the most human I've seen Olden Days Superman so far. Hard not to feel sorry for him. 

Superman smash Sputnik!

Hey something I've noticed, in these sort of stories Superman always has the same kids. Male/female fraternal twins with blue hair if the mother is Lois, red hair with Lana. The same kids, over and over forever and ever can't you hear the drums! 

Maybe he only has two sperm but they always make their mark. 

We didn't tell you this before because what with the superpowers psychological torture is all we got. 

I'm thinking these kids have some kind of language disorder, they're like five, have super human brains, and still mangling syntax. Maybe it's Venus' lack of oxygen.  But any way you be in two places at once Superman? IF THAT IS YOUR REAL FAKE NAME!

Yep here's the twist. 

Superman's super stalker! 

Yes! These aren't Superman and Lois, it's some guys who look just like them. Van-Zee is Superman's cousin or something, and spends his time cyber stalking him and Lois. 

...And now imitating him exactly. These comic just hit creep town. 

It's good Zan looks just like Clark or he'd be wearing his skin now.

Superman is so casual about bombarding the last of his kind with x-rays. Shit maybe it was a "tragic" accident. Their millions of tinny voices must be irritating. 

Run Superman before he slips inside of you!

The Lois statue looks stunned and confused. Maybe it's a giant woman forced to pose as her. 

Ah see, guile old Superman wishes to trick his stalker into marrying the witch, two birds with one stone! I honestly suspect the word court was meant to be read as double innuendo.  

I don't like Zan's eyes on the middle left panel. Brrrr...

My god, I knew comics could be ham fisted but Lord Essex is something else. I mean he's rich, so therefore he's English, therefore he's nobility, therefore he lives in a castle. And of course he has a fucking monocle and in the 1950's is having his marriage to a American woman a hundred and twenty years younger than him arranged. 

Also I guess appearance is everything.

Yeah yellow panel, "natural"

Wow now going from proposal to marriage is even sillier  They have literally just met and his attraction is based upon her resemblance to the woman he pervs on. And yeah you were hypnotized so hard you fell into the water and climb back in. 

I can so out do this memorial to the death of billions! 

So the Superman robots are like a taxi service now, no wonder one of them wanted out. We'll get to that soon enough. And I bet I can find like a dozen other occasions where super hearing pierces the vacuum of space. Hell in this they hold conversations well enough. 

Giant narrow eyed Superman and giant tear filled Lois watch you screw!

Hey this comic actually has a reason the Kryptonian gravity isn't killing the human. Spoil sport comic, almost making sense... 

I assume Sylvia was driven to the bottle living alone in an alien culture and the kids got severe injuries springing from a mindset created by an environment where almost nothing could hurt them. Goodnight! 

TUNE IN NEXT TIME, SAME SUPER INTERNET, SAME SUPER BLOG FOR SUPERMAN UNDER THE RED SUN!

Silver Age Shenanigans!!!

The Amazing Story Of Superman Red And Blue

Astounding First Post!

Friends, colleagues, arch enemies, today I am here to educate you on the comic book industry during the period spanning the early 50's to late 70's. Specifically I'm educating you on the fact that back then everyone involved was paid in controlled substances.  To conclusively prove this I present Superman, issue one hundred and sixty two... an imaginary story. 

Would Blue sleeping with Lois count as adultery? 

I know what you're thinking "Imaginary story? Zolnier, aren't they all?" first of all congratulate yourself for choosing to paraphrase Alan Moore. Secondly back then while every story's cover would try and make you think Superman was a murderer/wife beater/corpse/robot/Batman, they obviously couldn't do it. But every once in a while they'd get tired of trying to work a way around not doing stuff that'd end the series and so just do it. These non canon tales were called imaginary stories. Maybe I shoulder showed you something more normal though what the hell is normal here?

Now on to the actual cover. First of all how isn't Lois not a bloody smear on the ground? Krypton's gravity's so strong it's inhabitants need what elsewhere qualify as planet flinging muscles! And that red giant must make for a hell of vitamin d deficiency. Maybe she acclimated during her pope-mobile time travel trips to wreck Jor-El's marriage and molest baby Clark. Both of those actually happened.

Do like that even after retiring from super heroism and lacking all super-powers, Red is still wearing the outfit. But not as much as the fact that Lana, after marrying, doing and birthing the kids of a man she isn't using his real name(s). 

Oh and those Kryptonian kids must be teased so freaking much by the Earth ones. Must suck going to school with them, the grade curve in PE would be incredible.

"If we don't forecast the comic several wimpy children will surely go into cardiac arrest!

   It's truly amazing that a publication that's bread and butter was deceiving and misleading it's readers every week could hate suspense so intensely. I can only think of one plot point not revealed in this front page and that was revealed on the cover!  It's like that European edition of 1984 where the back just says "He Loved Big Brother", actually that book's ending is disturbingly relevant to this story. We'll get to that.  

I think we've caught him the day Crash Test Dummies recorded a certain something.

So our imaginary day opens with Clark losing out on a salary of... twenty five dollars a week! Old timey money's weird. I can't really feel sorry for a man who can't do get decent stories despite:

1. Not sleeping

2.Being faster than light

3.Being able to see through walls and hear everything happening ever. 

And so yeah the city of Kandor calls for Superman, just when he was about to call Five For Fighting to tell them his idea for a single. And their urgent need for an audience is so they can bitch at him. Yeah the Kandorians have lured Superman into an anti pep talk. These are people the size of microbes calling the bloke who keeps the air hose clear shit. Supes, if you just made a kink you could shut them up good...

 This rainbow shall make my brain fabulous!

Instead of doing the sane thing and poring some booze onto those bottled ingrates, Superman responds with thought bubble crying. And why shouldn't he, he's barely made any headway solving every solitary problem ever. He even agrees to Kandor's bat shit insane plan of replacing him. Keep in mind his replacement would be less than an inch tall. And he can't enlarge them, despite shrinking and enlarging himself and others every other week. I suspect this is because everyone in Kandor is too stupid to form an orderly line. 

He's so distraught by their anti-pep talk I'm tempted to think that he has no faith the contraption will work and just figures it's faster than suicide by green k. 

Before we move on notice no one suggest Supergirl succeed Superman. 

Usually when I see this it means I need to stop playing the Jimmy Olsen drinking game

First of all, I think those symbols spinning around their heads means they're dazed from a bonk on the head. This shall explain much. Like how they can do equations on their brain power with nothing to go of. Also if I were to guess the overload was because the blue kryptonite conflicted with the blue hair. 

And Blue, when your literal first words are an attempt to convince us "I'm totally not evil guys" and right afterwards you're making that face I start suspecting things. 

Wouldn't it be great if they accidentally threw the city? Assuming Blue didn't on purpose.

When reading old comics you will probably notice that strange may be said more than "the". Clark probably described his pubic hair as strange, or possibly astounding. And I'll save all the non science for next pages.  Except where in the world is the "meteor belt" 

The Kandorians had all frozen or boiled to death in the wastes of space. And there was much rejoicing

Okay I'll be nice and not point out that it would take like millions of years for all those pieces of Krypton to reach that point in space, well I was going to be nice any way.  Am wondering where the water and air came from. Also why the hell didn't the glass enlarge, was thousands of super powered beings destroying their glass prison not stupid enough for the creators? And if the way passes through glass does this mean the city has a lot of empty window frames with tiny piles of glass below them? Probably should be concerned about the orbits of the other planets this one has messed up but whatever. I know that I should take into consideration the time this was made, the format and genre when we're talking about science but then why would I do this? If I respected it so much.

Yeah Superman, we know we're compressing the mountains, we are fucking doing it in front of you!

Hey Kandor, there was nothing stopping you having powers on Earth! Also what do you mean barren?? I saw grass last page, also New Krypton, real creative! 

The Superman Emergency Squad sound like his suicide watch or something. 

Anyone confused as to why our Council Chamber has the Earth in the centre?

 If the plants grow at super speed, why don't the animals? I would imagine New Krypton to be an orgy of constant death and birth as invulnerable, fast growing plants fight and breed. And why can't you guys have a normal life, doesn't it sound like Red is dictating terms? If everyone is super no one is! And don't tell me they'd accidentally break their shit, in the Silver Age all matter from Krypton was at least invulnerable under yellow suns. If you acquired a condom from there you'd be set for life. 

I do hope that planet doesn't stick around, the constant tidal waves, collisions and invasions by Kandorian frat boys are so annoying. 

You've forgotten to tell me how everything gets resolved!

  Superman Red sounds so aghast at the idea of them losing their powers right after saying they basically had to. Also those guys are such dicks "Oh we knew you'd make the wise decision, so we made it for you!"  what were they going to do if they said they like super powers and lovely yellow suns? Oh well, bye Kandor, enjoy millions of years of cold between suns! 

And don't get me started on how they use the word constellation, moving on!

I bet Superman(s) like "I almost married that woman" and Supergirl just sits up that night wondering...

That first panel is the closest thing in the comic to suspense and literally one panel after it's destroyed. Actually kind of a funny lampshade on the usual fake out. Also how did you cure green kryptonite poisoning? You can't be sure that some isn't still out there. Lazy buggers. But any way no time, a vacant eyed disembodied face has broken in. This is Lori Lemaris, A mermaid from Atlantis Superman almost screwed in uni. Do you see why I do this? What I love is she seems the none least interested or surprised there are two Supermen. 

The Atlanteans are upset because humans think they're weird and that's such a big problem they need a new planet. Even though the average mermaid probably talks to humans roughly never. If they had said humans were messing with their environ that would be understandable but that would be hippie talk. 

Mental telepathy may be the most redundant thing ever. What's physical telepathy, bashing someone over the head and looking very closely?

Time to melt our dead family's statue!

I get that you've recreated Krypton guys but you do remember that the people who died when it exploded aren't back as well right? You know considering the not there grass earlier I would not be surprised if the writers forgot. Bit surprised there's any crime any where if these guys can hit targets with their heat vision from trillions of miles away with any accuracy. 

Oh yeah the dog, sad thing is Krypto ranks higher than Supergirl. 

  

Glad you remembered to pack the sacred giant lego!

It's a shame Superman Red and Blue forget that's where they stored their priceless family heirlooms. Also sometimes I marvel at the thought process of these people. When asked "How would you take mermaids to another planet" I imagine most of us would say flooded space ship or something like that. When you ask the author of this he throws his bottle of LSD laced rum at you and makes scrawls "giant space water slide". 

Putting aside the speed and time issues, because I think we already covered that with the assembly of New Krypton. Needless to say those mermaids should just be hoping their distant descendent can make it. Are Earth and Defaced Memorial Planet staying absolutely still, it must because the tunnel isn't shaking apart. And how many meteors did you use for this guys? I also think those mermen are straying way to close to the edge. 

Lori seems to have a good estimate on her people's record keeping skills though. 

 Concluded In Next Post!