Silver Age Shenanigans! 

Amazing Fourth Post!

The Super Family Of Steel 

Today we're doing another "unique" story. This "novel", I think they were called that so their writers could lie to their kids with less guilt, thinks it's clever.  You see the writing process for superhero comics back then went like this, first think of something cool to put on the cover. Second figure out a way for it to happen in the book and not derail Superman forever. This was usually achieved veer having a character do something monstrous to another on the cover. In the story it'd almost definitely be an alien wearing Superman's body like a skin suit or something. 

Also technically we're not doing a Superman book today, but only technically. This is Lois Lane: Superman's Girlfriend. The title is a lie, while until recently Superman and Lois were most definitely an item and married, in the Silver Age I think Superman usually desired nothing but Lois to fuck of.  You see while Lois for the past thirty or maybe even forty years has most often been portrayed as a intelligent, competent women that any godlike alien would be lucky to have, Silver Age Lois was none of those things.  She was a conniving  witch like harpy with no ambitions in life other than forcing Superman/Clark (usually the former because the ding bat couldn't figure out he was the latter on her own) into a loveless marriage. This could involve mind control, blackmail, false identities and other morally despicable things. This would form the plot of most issues of Lois Lane. 

I suspect the entire comic was propaganda by people who really hated women. The application process writers  involved being led into a room containing a random woman plucked of the streets. The hopeful writer would be left alone with this woman and would only be given the job if he started beating her while screaming "No the shape of Eve!". He'd get a bonus if he killed her before being pried of. 

I'm sure you'll all have guessed the twist by page three but be nice.

As you can guess the little blurb is like a fairy, it may not lie but it's perfectly capable of omission. Yes those are not imposters, but that doesn't mean that something interesting will be changed in the long run.  Two things of note, one Lois is apparently higher than Everest during her wedding and Kryptonians dress their children terribly. Serious the boy's going to be hiding that picture from his friends forever.

...It's almost sad that Lois and Supermen have hallucinated marital bliss so much that here she must remind herself it's not an alien burrowing into her brain.


I was perplexed by the way that their anniversary seems to have fused with a children's birthday party. I'm sad to say that this comic rejects a "Kryptonite ray gun marriage followed by waters breaking over the church steps." 

Jane Brown, meet John Smith!

Laura the woman you suspect her to be works as an investigative journalist. Mightn't that be for reasons involving her and any blonde bimbo nearby being blown to pieces by whoever she's investigating. Also considering the fact Superman travels basically everywhere all the time I think she'll have to try a little harder to put some distance between them.

In the time it took him to verbalize that paragraph in his head Jane Brown had been quickly yet agonizingly killed. 

Women in comics at the time all had inner ear infections as you can plainly see. Also I think in her brief but eventful page presence Laura may have established herself as more vile than Lois a round of applause! 

Oh no Superman's turned into a bee again! 

Jesus Christ Superman at that angle do you think they won't notice it? Or is "undisturbed" just a synonym for "Not dead maybe." So even after Superman's rescued her and told her is true identity Jane is dubious about the sudden proposal from a man who clearly just whispered some nonsense in her ear.  Superman goes of to court her, in the classical sense not so much the weird women as chattel thing the Duggars do. 

"Not the queen of all the girls on Mars though, they just can't be beat!" 

There is something a wee bit weird about a man who's engagement presents are mainly stuff he stole from other, deader women. Also I love how Superman goes eh... it's so oddly human on that perfectly chiselled face. 

Super compliments is a power Superman has now, accept it. I'm not winding you brain back up. ALSO SUPERMAN BROKE GOD!

What have you done Superman, the end is near! Superman just went to the Garden Of Eden and nicked shit. This raises so many questions that I may be bleeding from the ears. So Superman takes place in a creationist universe. Fine he referenced evolution, a time scale of billions of years, among other things, but continuity has never been this series' strong suit. But is this before the Fall? If not why didn't god stop him from entering? Does mankind's barring from Earthly paradise not extend to Kryptonians? Is Superman more powerful than God!? Does this mean Superman is a Christian or a Jew? He's sworn by the Kryptonian sun god a lot. So did the Kyrptonians have their fate decided by Adam and Eve's actions or did they have their own equivalent to the Garden? Or are they even tainted by Original Sin? And Superman after what you just did I'd never ask about any science again. No need to explain how the fuck the flowers aren't wilting.

...Also those flowers aren't great. At least Jane looks happy. 

Usually when you go from engagement, to wedding this quick a manufacturing error is involved. 

That cup of happiness is the perfect size for Superman but terrible for literally every other person who's gotten married on this island in it's entire history. Did Superman go back in time and rewrite the island's history so it'd be more fun for him? How many noble men have been crippled for life in their pursuit of sacred matrimony? 

 The acceleration however, has turned her into a liquid lunch. 

I think Superman only remembered the circumstances of Jane's survival until they were at the space ship. Like someone who checks if they remembered their wallet after the get of the plane. "Oh shit she'd dea-wait." Also if that's their first anniversary present his fifty year present will seem quite crap. 

How long will their honeymoon be while we're on the topic. Because they usually last at least a week and that thing doesn't have a toilet.

Lara and Jor-El look so pissed of. 

How'd she get changed in that amount of space!? Also You may think Superman taking his wife to what is essentially his family's grave is perfectly appropriate. But the ending will muddle it a bit I promise. 

Nobody else aside from us two, and Jimmy, and Bruce Wayne... and Supergirl and...

Well time for the standard scientific ignorance of the mid twentieth century joke. Oh it's a great place Superman except for the oceans of lead, boiling heat and nauseatingly slow rotation. Also space sight seeing must be awfully annoying, Superman's has defaced every second celestial body to be a memorial or celebration of something. I like to think at least one Legion Of Superheroes member comes from Lois' ear ring. 

Now what's up with the Fortress aside from it being less exclusive than many night clubs?

Yes twelve songs at once, all them awful!

This is rather odd for Lois. She has neither had to trick, mind control or bribe Superman into entering a loveless marriage with her. Nor is Superman a horrible monster or cheating with a mermaid behind Lois' back hmm... 

Also that gas will take five years to clear, Superman has never heard of over kill it seems. 

It's different from Jimmy's so I know to actually answer it!

With how long Superman must take on Earth I can imagine what else she uses the mechanical arm mechanism for. I love the criminals feel the need to inform their victims how they're communicating. Imagine you're touring through Somalia for some insane reasons and pirates catch you. "We can tell you to pull of ya jocks and gives all your money thanks to our English to Somali phrase books!"

Sadly the aliens FTL drive was not engaged and they died of old age. 

Miss Jingles has died. Services will be held at dawn tomorrow. If it seems rushed this is Venus, you have more than a year to prepare. Also aliens how the hell did you think trying to hold hostage the wife of a guy who can kill you before the sensation of your heart being squeezed even registers.   

I think Super-Father was a really crappy 90's movie. Likely starring Hulk Hogan 

Putting aside the implication in the first panel that Superman forgot his wife was nine months pregnant, how is she still alive? Hell if she could survive those two kicking she clearly has no need for a super serum.  Also Superman wouldn't it be easier to make them a spinning toy?  

Also alliterating twin names, another thing these two will hold against their parents. 

I liked it better when we could kill Mommy without blinking if she dared cross us

You know those awful news stories you get, like "woman drowns toddlers in tub"? Yeah Venus'll soon be hearing "toddlers drown mother in tub". Raising a super child would be an unmitigated hell, raising two has no word to convey the terror. These two could crush her in a hug, imagine what they could do if they were annoyed!  

It's okay though, Superman has the super serum and Lois drinks it down like it's the hard liquor she needs to make it through the lonely days.  Oh and this was before they came up with the idea of kryptonians being solar batteries. I get gravity's lesser influence making them stronger and faster, but what's with the flight and senses? John Carter wasn't bullet proof! 

Wish that lout would rebuild the freaking robot so I didn't have to waste godlike power on god damn dinner!

So rather than riding the star winds catching the whispers of far flung societies like the near divine being she has become Lois spends her days using her gifts for petty stuff. She even throws out her labour saving devices as if the writers were trying to say technology is bad for helping women getting out of the kitchen.  Too be fair these tasks now take her like five seconds. Which makes it stranger that she's never checked in on the husband since Venus doesn't seem to have much else to do.

I like how now both parents are super they upgraded the kids' wardrobe from kind of awful to embarrassing beyond belief. Also Lois, that does not look like Superman is consenting. In fact he looks terrified. Maybe Lana's an octopus monster in disguise this issue.

Superman looks so resigned about his wife chucking the china at him. All he can bother to do is point out the physics. 

My god, does how many beautiful and unique species she's wiped out? Does she even care? The twins look pretty excited about their mother's rampage. Guess they were getting annoyed with their workaholic father as well. 

Aww mopey Superman. This is honestly the most human I've seen Olden Days Superman so far. Hard not to feel sorry for him. 

Superman smash Sputnik!

Hey something I've noticed, in these sort of stories Superman always has the same kids. Male/female fraternal twins with blue hair if the mother is Lois, red hair with Lana. The same kids, over and over forever and ever can't you hear the drums! 

Maybe he only has two sperm but they always make their mark. 

We didn't tell you this before because what with the superpowers psychological torture is all we got. 

I'm thinking these kids have some kind of language disorder, they're like five, have super human brains, and still mangling syntax. Maybe it's Venus' lack of oxygen.  But any way you be in two places at once Superman? IF THAT IS YOUR REAL FAKE NAME!

Yep here's the twist. 

Superman's super stalker! 

Yes! These aren't Superman and Lois, it's some guys who look just like them. Van-Zee is Superman's cousin or something, and spends his time cyber stalking him and Lois. 

...And now imitating him exactly. These comic just hit creep town. 

It's good Zan looks just like Clark or he'd be wearing his skin now.

Superman is so casual about bombarding the last of his kind with x-rays. Shit maybe it was a "tragic" accident. Their millions of tinny voices must be irritating. 

Run Superman before he slips inside of you!

The Lois statue looks stunned and confused. Maybe it's a giant woman forced to pose as her. 

Ah see, guile old Superman wishes to trick his stalker into marrying the witch, two birds with one stone! I honestly suspect the word court was meant to be read as double innuendo.  

I don't like Zan's eyes on the middle left panel. Brrrr...

My god, I knew comics could be ham fisted but Lord Essex is something else. I mean he's rich, so therefore he's English, therefore he's nobility, therefore he lives in a castle. And of course he has a fucking monocle and in the 1950's is having his marriage to a American woman a hundred and twenty years younger than him arranged. 

Also I guess appearance is everything.

Yeah yellow panel, "natural"

Wow now going from proposal to marriage is even sillier  They have literally just met and his attraction is based upon her resemblance to the woman he pervs on. And yeah you were hypnotized so hard you fell into the water and climb back in. 

I can so out do this memorial to the death of billions! 

So the Superman robots are like a taxi service now, no wonder one of them wanted out. We'll get to that soon enough. And I bet I can find like a dozen other occasions where super hearing pierces the vacuum of space. Hell in this they hold conversations well enough. 

Giant narrow eyed Superman and giant tear filled Lois watch you screw!

Hey this comic actually has a reason the Kryptonian gravity isn't killing the human. Spoil sport comic, almost making sense... 

I assume Sylvia was driven to the bottle living alone in an alien culture and the kids got severe injuries springing from a mindset created by an environment where almost nothing could hurt them. Goodnight! 

TUNE IN NEXT TIME, SAME SUPER INTERNET, SAME SUPER BLOG FOR SUPERMAN UNDER THE RED SUN!